


Why Jayne is Going to the Very Special Hell

by Mr_Bilinski



Category: Firefly
Genre: Attempted Fluff, Birthday Present, F/M, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, rayne
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 06:44:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3800719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Bilinski/pseuds/Mr_Bilinski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, after overhearing Inara and Kaylee in the engine room, Jayne finds the sudden urge to go to his bunk. His night, however, doesn't go as he'd expected. And it sits pretty cunning in the end. </p><p>A birthday present to the best sister in the world. :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Jayne is Going to the Very Special Hell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sparkysmomma09](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkysmomma09/gifts).



> This little one-shot is a birthday present to my sister, Michele, who wanted fluffy Whedon goodness. I'm not very good with fluff, though, so I did the best I could with her favorite Firefly ship--which happens to be the least fluffiest of all. 
> 
> Happy birthday, sis!

Jayne had just finished cutting off another piece of the apple he was holding in his hand. He was making his way to bed, softly humming 'The Hero of Canton' as he ate the piece of apple, and paused in his steps when he heard the muffled giggles of Inara and Kaylee coming from the engine room.

Furrowing his brow in curiosity, he quietly approached the entryway and crouched down to hear what they were saying,

"No. Kaylee, no." Inara said gently with a soft laugh, "You're not doing it right. You have to turn it like this before you put it in, otherwise you'll hurt yourself."

Jayne's eyes widened as he stuck another piece of apple in his mouth and ate in giddy anticipation.

"Inara," Kaylee scoffed, "I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing. I'm an expert in this department."

Jayne's eyes widened even further and he stuck another piece of apple in his mouth to keep from chuckling.

The loud clanking of metal against metal sounded before Inara said, "You're definitely not going to get it in that way."

Kaylee groaned in frustration, "Fine," she said in an exhausted tone, "will you put it in for me?"

"Sure, just hold it steady on both sides and I'll push, k?"

Jayne's lips curved into a mischievous grin as he tried to picture what was happening in the room. He was willing to bet his left hanger that Inara was giving Kaylee a lecture in 'Companioning'.

"Ugh," Kaylee groaned before she winced, "Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Inara, stop. Stop, it hurts!"

Jayne's eyes bugged out as he looked down at his apple, then back down the hatch before he tossed the apple over his shoulder and muttered, "I think I hear my bunk calling for me." He then stood back up and headed off to his bunk, all thoughts of the apple forgotten.

Kaylee sighed in relief as they finished pushing the large mechanical part into its place in the engine. She took a step back and brushed her hands together to get some of the old engine grease off of them, "That thing sure is a bitch to put in." She looked down at the palms of her hands mournfully, "Sure would be shiny if Cap'n would toss me a new part every now and then instead of these grody ol' pieces of go-se."

Inara smiled sympathetically, "I'm sure the Captain is doing the best that he can with what is available."

Kaylee shrugged as she stroked the part they had just installed. It'd probably only last them a week, though, the way they seemed to find trouble.

 

"...the Hero of Canton; the man they call...MEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Jayne sang heartily as he chuckled and entered his bunk. He kept his back to the entrance and started to unload all of the various grenades, knives, ballistic knives, pistols...well, you get the gist.

He continued humming as he organized his weapons on his bed, seemingly unaware of the girl who had just snuck in. As she took another step forward, Jayne swiftly turned to point his pistol into the intruder's face, only to meet another gun with his own face. 

A cocky grin materialized on his face as he looked River up and down, "Now, I know pretty ruttin' well what you're capable of, girlie. So why don't you just run along and go back to trying to name the stars as they pass outside the window."

River kept the gun pointed at Jayne, her eyes focused yet detached from reality at the same time. She answered softly, "It's illogical to name something that is incapable of self-identity."

Jayme grunted humorously as he eyed the pistol, "And you thunk it ruttin' logic to sneak into my bunk and hold a gun on me?"

River narrowed her eyes as they locked in on the pistol in his hand before she lowered her own, "Can't be sure; everyone sees the box of cereal but no one looks for the hidden prize inside."

Jayne slowly lowered his pistol, his eyes scrutinizing as he tried to decipher what the little psycho was rambling about, "Where's your brother? Don't he got some tests to run or-or meds to give you or somethin'?"

River shook her head as she examined the room, slowly walking around it in the process. As her eyes fell on Vera, she gingerly reached out a hand to touch it.

Jayne firmly grabbed her wrist and said evenly, "If you're goin' to sift through my ruttin' belongin's, look; don't touch."

River nodded consensually as she gently pulled her wrist free and returned her gaze to the rifle. Jayne rolled his eyes impatiently; obviously she didn't intend to leave anytime soon.  
He put on the best polite smile he could muster as he reached out and stroked the barrel of the rifle with his index finger. Upon feeling the familiar cool metal beneath his fingertips, his fake smile turned into one of sincere fondness, "Her name's Vera. Figured a thing of such beauty deserved a name just as equal."

"She's powerful," River muttered, "taking tiny pieces of metal and turning them into killers."

"Yeah, well," Jayne said in an uncomfortable tone, "that's why they're called weapons."

River shook her head, "A gun's not a weapon; it's a conduit. Take away the bullets and it's just as useless as they are without it."

Jayne grunted, "Clearly you ain't never been on the receivin' end of the butt of a gun to the head." He winced in irritation as he lightly smacked her hand away when she reached out to touch Vera again, "Ta ma de, girl; your ruttin' ears stop workin'? I said don't touch!"

River backed away from him and shot him a glare, "So selfish; looking and touching all you like, but demanding the opposite of everyone else!"

Jayne's expression softened under her glare. Why was she getting to him so easily all of a sudden? Must be the ruttin' hormones from the engine room. Speaking of, he really needed to get her out of here.

River's gaze hardened as she straightened her posture and brought the gun up again, "Bad man feeding little girls filthy images."

Jayne's eyes widened, "Girl, what in the gorram hell are you ramblin' about?" Oh, right; he was alone in a room with a psychic. 

A crazy psychic.

A crazy psychic with a gun.

Jayne Cobb has fantasized many different scenarios in his bunk about girls and guns, but this combination was definitely NOT one of them. He held out his hand, "Give me the gun, River."

River shook her head, "No. I need--I need to stop the pictures. The pictures keep talking and making sounds and--" She quickly turned and fired a shot into his mattress, "That gorram thing is so squeaky!"

Jayne suppressed a snicker as an idea hit him. Yeah, scary thought. "How would you like to go to the cargo bay and we have ourselves a nice little round of target practice? It'll help take your mind off the...squeaky mattress."

River looked at him as if he were crazy before she shrugged and said in an innocent tone, "Okay."

 

\-------------------------------------

 

When a very irritated, very much awake-when-he-wanted-to-be-asleep Mal walked into the cargo bay to investigate the loud gunshots echoing throughout the ship, he was surprised to see Jayne and River all smiles and...giddy?

Jayne hooted when River hit another bullseye with a loud bang, "Go-se, girl; that's the fifteenth one in a row!"

Mal took a deep breath and growled as he rested his hands on the railing, "Jayne?" he asked in a falsely polite tone.

"Yeah, Cap?" the man responded as he held up his gun to take another shot.

"Do you mind explainin' to me why the hell the two of you are shootin' guns on my gorram ship in the wee hours of the night?"

"We're in space, Mal. Every hour's an hour of the night." Jayne retorted as he fired his gun again.

Mal waited for him to take his aim before he withdrew his own pistol and shot Jayne's out of his hand.

"Ta ma de, hundan!" Jayne cursed as he rounded to face Mal, "What the hell, Mal?!"

Mal offered a look of careless boredom as he put his gun away, "This is my ship, Jayne; my rules. And my rules say we don't shoot really loud guns so as to pull our very handsome captain from the wonderful, beautiful world of sleepin'. Now, I'm goin' to return to my very warm, mite comfy bed, and you're goin' to turn in... else you fancy my next bullet goin' where the sun don't shine. Dong ma?"

Mal didn't wait for a response as he walked away, shaking his head as he muttered, "Gorram idjit givin' a crazy girl a loaded gun. Deserves a lead in his asscheek."

Jayne sighed as he turned to River, "Well, suppose we should turn in now."

River set the gun down before she approached Jayne and looked deeply into his eyes, "Yes, we should."

Jayne eyed her uncomfortably before he took a step back, "Right. Well, g'night then, I suppose."

River grabbed his hand to stop him from walking away. When he turned around, she met his lips with her own. Taking advantage of his surprise, she planted her hands against his pectorals and pushed him up against the wall, deepening the kiss.

After a minute of it, she pulled away and headed for the stairs, "I'll be in your bunk."

Jayne watched her leave, frozen in utter shock as his brain processed what had just happened. He breathed out a chuckle and said, "First time I get a girl in my bunk and it's a seventeen year old looney tune with a ruttin' crystal ball for a brain." He looks around with a sigh and shrugged, "Well, Jayne Cobb, if you're goin' to hell, it may as well be the special one."

 

\-------------------------------------

 

The next morning, when Jayne sat down at the kitchen table with a steaming plate of breakfast, he let out a sigh of satisfaction. As Simon entered the room hand-in-hand with Kaylee, Jayne couldn't suppress the hearty guffaws that fell from his mouth as he reminisced the night he'd spent with the doc's sister.

Oh, yeah. Jayne Cobb was definitely going to the very special hell.

But at least he knew he'd have fun on the way there.


End file.
